Viewpoint: Your Trump survival guide

Milt Policzer

I know some of you are happy, but a lot of you — particularly snobby coastal types who think science is OK — are depressed right now. Election night might have seemed like the end of the world.

Well, without environmental regulation, it may be the end of the world, but we were probably doomed anyway. Might as well get it over with.

There will be lots of other horrors to come first (or joys for those of you smiling now), but is being sad helpful? Sitting at home crying doesn’t help anyone and will just make those smiling guys even happier.

So buck up and get your act together. There are things you can do to survive the Trumpocalypse.

My first recommendation in these situations is doughnuts since I’m not much of a drinker, but alcohol is fine too. After you get fat, you can overwhelm your feelings with exercise and/or trying desperately to breathe.

Avoid illegal drugs. You’ll either end up in prison for life or become just like Elon Musk. I’m not sure which is worse.

Stock up on vaccines and syringes while they’re still legal. Local drug dealers may be helpful.

If you’re a woman, consider a sex change or drag. These may be illegal but well worth it if you can get away with it. Otherwise, you’re liable to be protected whether you like it or not.

Avoid anything sold by a major corporation. Big companies will be able to do whatever they want, so you’ll be lucky there’s anything edible in your cereal box. Support small businesses and farmers markets for as long as they survive.

Don’t pay taxes. The federal government won’t want them anyway and there won’t be anyone to come after you.

Only file lawsuits in state courts in states you like.

Pretend to like crypto but don’t buy any. You can chuckle privately when the market collapses.

Learn to speak Russian.

Consider greed as an alternative lifestyle. You’ll fit right in.

Or consider charity work. We’re going to need it.

Download archives of The Daily Show, Last Week Tonight, and other subversive programs. There may not be new ones.

Shop for medical insurance that covers reproductive care in other countries. If you can’t afford to flee, give up sex.

Or, alternatively, have as much sex as you want. Consider organizing a neighborhood orgy. After all, the end is near.

Troll. Troll. Troll. Use burner phones.

Innovation. In case you missed it in the deluge of election coverage, a lawyer for Elon Musk told a judge that what seemed like an illegal sweepstakes aimed at potential Trump voters was not a lottery because the winners weren’t picked randomly. Instead, the Musk people were choosing what they thought were good spokespeople for their cause.

So it didn’t violate state election law and it wasn’t an illegal lottery — it was just a scam aimed at voters.

Considering who signed up for this non-sweepstakes, I’m guessing no one is going to file a class action.

Kudos to the lawyers here for creativity. You have to give credit where credit is due.

This column first appeared at Courthouse News.