Harmon’s Histories: Ant invasion sends Harmon household into battle

Jim Harmon

Well, I wouldn’t call them festive, and they ain’t creeping up my picnic pants – but I am disporting myself with “antics queer” these days.

That’s right, we have a mini ant invasion. But why?

There is neither spilled syrup nor sugar left about. That would never happen! My dear wife can’t stand anything messy. I’ve often thought of nominating her for a cover story in Better Homes and Gardens.

Yet there they are - ants. Not a lot. Just one here. Another over there. A day or two might even go by with no sighting – then another will appear.

We’ve tried squishing them, stomping them ... but those little critters are fast! As Ripley’s Believe It Or Not reported in 1930, “If we could move our legs as quickly as the ant does, we would walk at a rate of 800 miles an hour.”

So, as always, I look to history for help.

In 1894, The Rocky Mountain News reported the following: “A cook annoyed to find his pastry shelves attacked by ants” decided to observe them closely. He found they would come out precisely at 7 a.m. and again at 4 p.m.

Thus he devised a plan. He would spread a bead of molasses around his pies to stop the ants in the sticky goo.

He began observing at 6:50 a.m. Sure enough, in a few minutes, the ants appeared. Confronted by the ring of molasses, the leaders (about 40 of them) were observed to “confer” and, apparently having made a plan, headed away toward the wall.

There, they found some loose plaster and, breaking ranks, set about carrying pieces of plaster to the area “which apparently had been agreed upon as the narrowest.”

“To and fro they went from the wall plaster to the molasses until, at 11:30 o’clock, they had thrown a bridge across. Then they formed themselves in a line again and marched over, and soon every ant of the foraging expedition was contentedly eating pie.”

Our government has attempted to help for decades - while admitting it is not within their power to eliminate the pests, just reasonably keep them under control. In 1940 they announced, “Specialists of the United States government have spent years in directing the warfare against these household enemies.”

“The results of their work has been boiled down into one booklet with ample text and many illustrations. Learn how to combat ants, clothes moths, house flies, mosquitoes, cockroaches, bedbugs, fleas, etc.” You were encouraged to send for your copy – “just 10 cents, postpaid.”

In California, the Pasadena city council did just the opposite – “establishing a rigid censorship over news reports emanating from all sectors in the major offensive being waged in the Crown city by an army of white ants.”

White ants (aka, termites) had become such a problem that the city’s chief building inspector had announced that wooden buildings in the city were in danger of collapsing.

The local realty board was indignant! How dare the city say such a thing? “Such publicity, they said, was “uncalled for, out of place, and extremely dangerous.”

The city caved. “In the future all such information will be given to the press by the city manager.” Wow!

Today we have hundreds of products available to carry on the war against ants. But the best solution may have been a natural one we’ve overlooked for hundreds of years.

Yes, I propose that the government supply every household in America with their very own Australian Ant Eater!

Yes, these spiny creatures, no more than a foot long, have no teeth – they just use their tongues to gather up their lunch. They can bury themselves in the ground, nicely out of the way when not dining.

But they do have quills, so watch where you step.

There. Problem solved. You may thank me at any time. See you next week.