Harmon’s Histories: Keep Thanksgiving pies off the porch, safe from felonious felines
By Jim Harmon
The headline in the Thanksgiving Day newspaper was alarming: War had been declared!
Well, sort of.
It was actually a tiny dispute with a neighbor – but to the participants, it was a war nonetheless.
“DUFFY vs THE CATS” was the headline, describing the warring parties: Anaconda Prosecuting Attorney John H. Duffy versus a neighborhood covey of cats, a flock of felines, owned by Johnny Horn.
The Anaconda Standard newspaper had a devilishly amusing time with the dispute in its November 23, 1899 edition.
“The approach of this band, herd or bunch of cats upon the borders of the Duffy territory, singly, in pairs, in commandos or in armored trains, is the signal for the commencement of a battle beside which the battle of Elapdslaagte (1st phase of the 2nd Boer War) pales into insignificance.”
“BootJacks, garden tools, law books, any old thing handy, are heaved at the intruding felines, who usually flee. Their warfare is of the guerrilla kind. If Mr. Duffy could only get them all together in one place there would be a general massacre. Because he can't, he is wroth.”
Since he couldn’t corral them, “and because of his failure to abate the nuisance, the dignified prosecuting attorney, in his despair, is thinking of calling upon the courts.”
I must admit that I’m on Mr. and Mrs. Duffy’s side, given the particulars of the account.
The Anaconda Standard story laid it out this way: “The epicurean tastes of Johnny Horn's cats are the cause of the war. Yesterday, Mrs. Duffy exercised all her housewifely skill in the preparation of a pudding that would melt in the mouth of her liege lord.”
“It was a dream of cookery, a dainty, toothsome dish, sweet savored and delicious. Upon the back stoop it was placed to cool. Happening by the back yard, Mr. Duffy saw the Johnny Horn cats gathered about a dish upon Duffy’s stoop.”
“Why don't he keep his cats home and feed them himself?” Duffy wondered.
Once inside, he had a fine supper, after which Mr. Duffy asked his wife, “What have you got for dessert?" "A pudding, John," was the reply.
"Where is it?" he asked. "On the back stoop," Mrs. Duffy replied.
The Anaconda Prosecuting Attorney’s fingers “nervously clutched the tablecloth” and asked his wife to bring it in.
What he heard next was a scream and the wails of his wife.
“That was all it took - the war began.”
Now, given the lack of a follow-up story, we’ll presume everyone calmed down and Thanksgiving Day 1899 was calm and peaceful, as it should be.
However, we should remember this incident as a cautionary tale.
This Thanksgiving, let’s all keep our dessert dishes inside to avoid a cataclysmic cat calamity.
And, after we say grace before dinner, let us also give a shout-out to the Great Thesaurus of Life, for giving us such a delightful “menu” of words to describe what we are about to do:
Feast, pig out, cram, stuff, satiate, devour, wolf, gulp, gobble, guzzle, gormandize, and gorge.
Of course on this day and every day, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to remember our manners - captured in the essence of the Scouting (recent headline-grabbing transgressions aside) Oath:
“I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country … to help other people at all times … and be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.”
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Jim Harmon is a longtime Missoula news broadcaster, now retired, who writes a weekly history column for Missoula Current. You can contact Jim at fuzzyfossil187@gmail.com. His best-selling book, “The Sneakin’est Man That Ever Was,” a collection of 46 vignettes of Western Montana history, is available at harmonshistories.com.